Four Little Letters

Home. Four little letters, but the concept is intimidating, perhaps beyond my power to wrap in words.

I find the white space into which I’m typing quite daunting as I try to find the words to express where I am right now. I can’t adequately articulate my emotions, as my relief is so heavily anchored by anxiety and my fear is so coloured by excitement and anticipation. A strange calm so neatly overlays something jagged and tumultuous just below. Or is it that something barbed and restless is scratchily laid just over the calmness? I can’t untangle all of those things and name them correctly.

So I try to think about the concept of home, which is a thread that runs through the entirety of my inner emotional storm. I’ve called certain buildings home, and we don’t currently have one of those. I’ve called whatever space I share with my husband our home, and we’re not together for the moment. I suppose that, for the time being, “home” will simply refer to wherever I’m sleeping.

The last home I knew was a place where, despite some good memories and some valuable experiences, I failed to thrive. We had a lovely house that we called our home. But when it came to the grander sense of home, the space into which our lives fit, where we should have had a sense of belonging, it left us wanting. We would often return to that home with a sort of soft sadness, happy to be together, but knowing it was not what we wanted it to be.

We find ourselves in limbo once again, not yet able to move forward, but now uprooted and mostly disconnected from the past. At least this time, we have a destination in sight, a line in the sand that signals change. We are moving forward, one slow second at a time, but the days are at least finite. We’re moving toward something new. Something we hope will give us the tools to let us carve out a life that fits us better.

We’ve found the building that we will soon call our home in the new area where we’ll be living. I hope with all of my being that we will find ways to fill it with laughter and merriment and make the memories that will truly transform it into a home, a place of belonging, rightness, and contentment. I plan to make every effort to live the sort of life there that awakens a quiet, soft happiness in my heart when I turn once again to return to that space. To our new home.

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