Ça fait longtemps

So yeah, it’s been quite a while. I have pulled up this blog from time to time, clicked on the icon to write a new post, and I’ve been daunted, deterred, and defeated. There was either too much to say, or too little.

I traveled. I went to Oklahoma for a wonderful visit with my family and friends. I met a Forever Friend’s mate for the first time and claimed her as part of my Forever Chosen Family. I ran in my first 5k race in years and taught an old horse new tricks, riding double and bareback. I grudgingly accepted the husband’s new love, a money pit with wings we christened Lola. I spotted holes in the clouds and went spiraling down through one of them. I went to Brooklyn and locked myself out of the house, spending hours in my own company in the silence of the never-quiet city. I lost my mind. I found my peace. I made a one-day friend and said good morning at bedtime. I declared myself Empress of Pangaea, raced slowly along a river, taught topless wave jumping to a new old friend, fed survival nuts to a beach deer, kissed a doomed shark, and defiled a Jewish cemetary. I went to grown-up summer camp, and though I failed to ring the bell, I added people to the list of the loved. I learned how to play Capture the Flag and briefly broke my sanity tug-o-warring. I lost my voice and found it again, but not before whispering my way through the border crossing. I went to Wisconsin for the first time and bequeathed Ontario beer to an Oklahoma friend in a Madison parking lot. I partied in a barn, viewed the ruin that is Michigan, chatted with yokels, drove for hours on end, slept in the car as my best friend drove, and stole another visit with my family. I went back to Brooklyn and ate strange Chinese things, discovering a pork skin trampoline for the teeth thanks to a sadistic but friendly grandmother. I went to Europe. I ran from the Netherlands to Germany and back, then from Germany to the Netherlands and back. I scooted. I was introduced to gluhwein by a Forever Friend, and I cheered the patriarch to speeds of 160kph+ on the Autobahn. I ate Chinese food in Cologne with a view of the cathedral. I killed many slowly dying hours in airports with the one I’ve chosen.

A lot of life has passed since the last time I typed words into this blank space. I weathered the storm. Or I suppose you could say I’m weathering it.

The time for this blog is drawing to a close. This blog is for the Saguenay, my time in Quebec. I tried very hard, but I never created a version of me here that I truly love. For too many days and nights, I wondered if I could still love myself, if Quebec and my experiences here in the Saguenay had made me unlovable. My travels, thankfully, have laid those questions to rest. I love Oklahoma Meg. And I love Brooklyn Meg. I love European Meg, and Wisconsin Meg, and the Montreal and Philly airport Megs, and St. Louis Meg in Missouri. I just don’t love Saguenay Meg.

I have lived a lot of life here. Over three and a half years so far. Most of my marriage. I’ve done some things of which I can be proud. I think that, while I’m not happy to be living it, someday I’ll be happy to have lived through these experiences. I learned a second language. I worked in that language. I jumped into a new challenge of teaching armed only with bullshit and confidence, and I’m surprised by how much I enjoy it. I learned that my partnership with the one I chose is strong enough to weather any storm, that I can trust that love when I can’t even trust myself.

I don’t know what the future holds. Except for change. Change is coming. I’m ready for the next chapter, whatever it happens to be.

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