I’ve spent just over two years here. Over half my relationship with the husband. A little over 5% of my life. And it took me a LONG time to find my footing here. Again and again, I’d struggle to find a toehold, start to climb, and fall. And sometimes I’d lay there at the bottom, in the dark, for a long time before I found the will to try again.
Despite the challenges and setbacks, despite the tears that have fallen throughout these past two years, I’ve somehow kept moving forward in some important ways. I never decided to quit. Or if I did, I never let the decision stand for too long. I never let go of the love that brought me here. I never let myself believe that the world had set its will against me. I never completely forgot that I can be awesome.
And now. Now! I’m not *quite* the Future Meg to whom I spoke in My Letter. But damned if I can’t see her clearly from where I now stand. Damned if there’s not a striking resemblence between Future Meg and the Meg of now. I’m going in to work, reaching fearlessly for the phone when it rings, apologizing without shame when I have trouble understanding, and making jokes with my coworkers. I’m exercising every day, feeling better all the time, and the weight is slowly but nearly effortlessly falling off. In fact, things are coming so easily that it’s sort of surreal to think they were ever so difficult.
I’m glad I have this blog. I’m glad I can go back and read the words, so true at the time, so distant right now, from the Meg who struggled through this adjustment. Right now, things are so easy and right that it’s hard to believe how hard day-to-day life was for me in the recent past. I’m glad I can still hear the voice from my past self so clearly through this blog. It helps me appreciate today’s happiness all the more.
I love my life. I’ve shared it with my best friend, my partner in crime, for nearly four years. My heart still giggles and my brain still SQUEEEEES when I look at him. There’s still no one with whom I’d rather share my days or nights. I have amazing friends all over this planet. I have an amazing family, some members who were my birthright, some others who I’ve chosen to add over the years. I have a brain that rises to the challenge more often than not, even if it sometimes wars against itself. I have a meatsuit that, when not neglected too badly, carries me quite ably through my days, and even when neglected for too long, responds to the call to get up, move and be better.
I have so much, and I’m happy to be back in a place where I fully recognize and appreciate it.