I lied. Not just to you, but to me. I said I was going to work out last night, and yet again, I failed to get motivated. Felt pretty shitty about it.
I just got done exercising. It was a terrible work out. Just 30 minutes of cardio, but there were 8 minutes (from about 18 minutes in to around 26) when time seemed to completely stop, when it seemed I would be sweating away in mental agony for the rest of time. Letting myself dig down into a pretty righteous funk this past week means that Bad Voice is extra loud, and it was shouting inside my head that it had had ENOUGH, that we could always do a full 30 tomorrow, that 18 (or 19, or 20, or 21, or 22, or 23, or 24, or 25) minutes were plenty for today, that we’d had to start somewhere, and we’d started, so couldn’t we just quit NOW?!? It really did get loud and unpleasant in there, and Bad Voice almost won several times. When my shuffle died at 19 minutes, and I found I’d have to hold my phone (no place to set it on my elliptical) for the rest of the workout for music (and there is NO working out without music), I actually did stop moving for a moment, so close to getting off the machine. 30 minutes is not a huge victory, but it’s a victory. It’s a toehold, stopping my fall, giving me a place to start my climb. I’ve got some work to do to get back to good.
I’ve still got a long two months to go. Sometimes, that doesn’t sound like a long time. This week, some days, it was an eternity. I look forward to a time when this separation is once again a memory, like Curacao now is. I look forward to a visit to my home and heart this coming week. This wasn’t our first time apart, and since he’s RCAF, it won’t be the last, but I look forward to it being a memory, with other separations still too far ahead to predict.
Bad Voice isn’t gone, but it has quieted down to a disgruntled muttering in the back of my mind, and Good Voice is reminding me, no matter how hard those 8 minutes were, how much better I feel now, having paid what I owe for the day. I have plans with friends later, too. I’m not back yet, I have a toehold, however precarious.