I stood out on a friend’s deck this morning, taking in the spectacular view of the bay. For just a moment, I was lost in time. It wasn’t October 13. It wasn’t Saturday. It was just the now. Like it always is. And I knew that the days would rush and straggle and struggle and drag and blur…until it is a different now. Until the “now” of this moment has become just a memory of the “then”. For a few moments, I felt the years swirl around me until the months and weeks and days between me and my love were insignificant.
And then time crashed back into me. And I was alone. Again. For now.
Some days the seconds drag their feet, refusing to march along. This moment, that is the case. I feel lost. I ache. It’s physical. My stomach is tight and my mind is loose. But I know that this, too, shall pass. Even if today, the tears don’t offer me any relief. Even if the sound of my sobs in an empty house make me feel insane. I live here, in the now…but I also live in a future where this is just a distant memory. I remember all the moments between him leaving last December and him coming home in the early spring. I remember driving home alone on Christmas Eve, after I had a panic attack while jogging. I remember him messaging me as I drove. I remember the tears. I remember exiting the highway to park on a country road and chat with him on messenger, and to cry. That was the now, but it’s become just a memory. Soon…not soon enough, but soon…this pain will be a memory, too.
Sometimes I sort of startle myself by really thinking about where I am and what my life is now. I live alone in Quebec. I’d never even visited Canada before our house hunting trip. My closest friend here lives in Chicoutimi Nord (North). That’s the farthest north I’ve ever been on this tiny little blue and green planet we call home. Some days, this is just life, and it’s as normal or abnormal as any other. But sometimes, when I take a mental step back, it’s obscenely strange. I never could have predicted THIS.
But I wouldn’t change it. I’d have him home sooner, if I could, but I wouldn’t trade this strange life for any other. Sometimes I don’t even know myself anymore, when I’m weird and girly and cry when there’s no need for tears. But if it means that I get to share my life with my best friend, I’ll take the tears, and the frustrations of my girly emotions, and the hours I spend counting seconds. I’m sure there’s a price too high to pay for this love, but I certainly can’t imagine what it is.